Tucker's HAD Bio
Tucker Leighty-Phillips was going to write a third-person bio. It was going to include past publications, accomplishments, a link to his website. Simple, sleek, elegant. The way a commercial from the fifties would describe a new Buick. But then a fourth person intervened.
This page contains bios created by four people, who have requested to remain nameless, so I will use aliases. These aliases are “David Joseph,” “Rachel Reeher,” “Emily Laura Costa,” and “Crow Jonah Norlander.” Each has written a bio for Tucker Leighty-Phillips. Their entries are listed below, at random, to further protect their identities.
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Tucker Leighty-Phillips (pronounced leggy-polyps) is a sentient fun fact. He types 29 words per minute, every minute. Tucker's two favorite marbles—Lola & Wheeler—he keeps in the bags under his eyes.
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Tucker Leighty-Phillips wrestles you in the ring for the title belt. He has you in a headlock. The ref counts down from ten. Before you pass out, he loosens his grip just a little. An act of love. He leans into your ear. It’s okay, he says. There’s something to live for. Jesus told him so.
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Tucker Leighty-Phillips has been most recently spotted by a couple camping near the mouth of a cave, but this is just one of over twenty-three thousand sightings reported. You can scroll through hours of photographic evidence online if you want. Make up your own mind. I mean, it’s mostly flimsy. Blurry. But if you still believe, if you are still searching: don’t trust the tourist traps, their overpriced hand-drawn maps and vague advice. Go into the thing confident and openhearted. You’ll see him. I’ve seen him. At least, I think I did. It was a long time ago, and I was very small, and it may have been the way the moon reflected off the wet leaves—but I felt this overwhelming calm. So, yeah, I think he’s real. I think he exists.
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Tucker "Ladyfingers" Leighty-Phillips has admitted his powerlessness over confections and sworn off sweets for life, so if you see him with so much as a single speck of sugar in his stubble, intervene! Once he resumes thinking clearly, if you're lucky, he'll grace your cheek with a grateful peck, which kiss—according to scientific studies—has been proven to cure everything from croup to gout (alphabetically speaking, with apologies to those with cancer and headaches).
CONTRIBUTOR BIO:
David Joseph, Rachel Reeher, Emily Laura Costa, and Crow Jonah Norlander was a documentary film produced by a team of anonymous filmmakers in Croatia in the early 1970s. The film follows a small, uncharted village of citizens who had devised their own process of paper-making, recycling organic materials such as bird feathers and human hair to create pieces of stationary ingrained with artifacts of the village’s history. The villagers, often so moved by the memories entrenched in the paper, found themselves unable to write on the stationary, fearing they were writing over a form of recorded history. As a result, little written record of them exists. Since the film’s release, the village has migrated to an unknown location, leaving minimal trace of their existence.